3/14/02

U.S. Downgraded From "Great Satan" to "Mediocre Satan"

Tehran, Iran - Today Iran officially downgraded the United States from the much coveted title of "Great Satan" to the less impressive "Mediocre Satan." Terrorist leaders say the change comes from America's failure to really step up the sin for 2002. Sheik Omar Shaballah stated "America used to be a cesspool of sin, writhing in its own debauchery, parading its wicked, blasphemous lifestyle in front of the eyes of Allah with no regard for piety whatsoever. I'm just not seeing that hell bound spark of days gone by, people." When President George W. Bush was asked to comment on the name change, he replied "I am furious! Just who the hell do they think they are? If you were placing bets on a boxing match between the "axis of evil" and little Mr. "Mediocre Satan" who would you put your money on? Come on, this is obviously a ploy to grab hold of the coolest name in a desperate attempt to gain allies." Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld chimed in "I mean, what's next, Little Lucy Lucifer? If they are going to change our name it has to at least be something comparable, like "Bad-Ass Beelzebub" or at least "Infernal Infidels." How would they like it if we called them the "axis of naughty boys?" We must fight to restore our title of "Great Satan." If everyone could sin just twice more per day I think we'd be on the rebound, they don't even have to be big sins, just take the lords name in vain at the slightest discomfort for Christ's sake! Or you ladies - start showing a little more skin. We can become the White Devils we once were; it'll just take a little damnation determination. We owe it to the country, so come on everybody, Let's Get Sinning!"


3/22/02

Yo! CBS Raps

CBS experienced a disturbing phenomenon last quarter. They had five of the top ten shows by ratings and were number one overall by far, yet they ranked dead last in advertising revenues. The problem - demographics. CBS's corner on the sixty and older market has earned them the industry epithet, "Crotchety Bastard Station." While America's senior citizens make up a large part of the television viewer population, they tend to be thrifty, and therefore are unmarketable to any sponsors besides Depends and Ensure.

This quarter the programmers at CBS have decided to attempt to appeal to a younger audience, specifically young black males. Young African Americans are a valuable demographic that could bring in millions of advertising dollars for the struggling network. CBS is a notoriously white station; the blackest they get is Ed Bradley from "60 Minutes", or that fat lady from "Touched by an Angel." To compensate CBS has proposed fresh, African-American oriented programming like the new "Yo! CBS Raps!" Featuring the lyrical stylings of MC Ray "Much Love" Romano. Romano will be co-hosted by the feisty DJ Angela "Missy Murder" Lansbury. Ratings she wrote? "Yo!" will feature guest talent from all your favorite CBS stars like you've never seen them before. Who knew Andy "Wriggety Wreck Yourself" Rooney knew how to freeflow? And wait until you see "Family Law's" Tony "Diggity Dank" Danza rippin' up the microphone. UPN eat your heart out.

"Yo!" isn't all they've got up their sleeves at the CBS offices though. "Survivor 4: Compton, CA" is coming to a TV near you. Can twelve contestants dressed as LAPD officers survive for three months on the mean streets of Compton? They'll have to sling rocks with the best of 'em to avoid getting voted off. If you thought the tribal council was intense before, now they've got 9 millis and glocks to add some real firepower to their votes. Survivor 4: Outrun, Outgun, Outlast, starting next fall.

CBS will no longer be known as the "Crotchety Bastard Station." They've juiced up their primetime lineup with gems such as "Yo!" and "Survivor: Compton". No longer will you see JAG and Walker: Texas Ranger boring the daylights out of you on a weekly basis. They've been replaced by DMX and the Ruff Riders live in concert. So watch out, BET, cause there's a new network in the hood.